Transcript Below:
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The Iphone is the new god. What the hell can’t I do with this amazing piece of technology? In fact, the Apple company’s next upgrade is a recharger that the AT&T company will graft onto your back using the latest in organic plastitechnology. Who doesn’t want to recharge their phone on their backs while they’re working? It’s the future.
With the iPhone now I can actually afford to not know what I’m talking about. Wikipedia anytime and anywhere I want baby! If the extent of your education are those School House Rock music videos then you’re in luck. Hey, kids in school! With the you’ll be able to cheat on your tests with the greatest of ease using the Internet’s various databases like. Like Wikipedia for one.
Hey women out there! Tired of getting lost because a man won’t point out the way?t Pull out your iPhone and use the google map GPS.
And who isn’t addicted to…text messaging! Now it’s even better considering how cool and shiny it looks and sounds. Several phone companies are coming out with a new voice analyzer that can regognize tones and filter out sarcasm so the dummies have a fair shot at interpersonal communication.
And who’s to know what specific sandwich I’m eating at this precise moment in time if it wasn’t for Twitter. Ah…you know I gotsta tweet that shit on the twit! S’all bout the deets fo sheets my neets.
And who can forget about the ambrosia of apple technology. Apps! Applications.
Apps can range from anything. From the absurd to the fun to the practical. One is called sit down or stand up: this app rates public bathrooms in your local area that helps you figure out if if you can sit down comfortably or need to hover those buttcheeks 6 inches from the bowl. Finally a way to know if the place you’re about to take a dump is sanitary. This will become more popular than Yelp! as people realize how many guys don’t actually wash their hands after the customary jiggle. Then again, it might turn into a glory hole/hand job hook-up network for the gay community. Who knows?
Can you believe they actually have a fart App? I can’t possibly think of a situation in which you would have to use this unless you lack a personality which would require you to produce some levity in the face of insurmountable odds. The fart App!
One App I personally enjoy is Ragdoll Blaster. I’m not big on spending but for 2 bucks you can enjoy a wonderful physics simulation in which you fire ragdolls out of a cannon through various obstacles toward targets. The animation of the lifeless ragdolls is hilarious and might reflect upon the nature of your last sexual experience.
Don’t forget about the drug dealer App. Now millions of drug dealers around the world can hang up their iPhone and immediately weigh the precise amount of drugs you just requested efficiently and speedily. The scale is so advanced it can weigh up to 1,000 grams! Thank you apple for your contribution to society; because even drug dealers should have an iPhone.
The 3-D bottle opener App is also a must have. It’s so advanced that holographic light particles shoot out of the iPhone and form a tangible bottle opener in mid air.
Another interesting App is the Blow Job App. Now, millions of lonely nerds across the world can tap their penises against the screen as digital lips speak pre-recorded sexual phrases. Hey, it’s cheaper than a girlfriend and you can turn it off whenever you want!
And finally a solution to the teabagging dilemma that’s been affecting us for years. Everywhere young intoxicated males are putting their testicular appendages, also known as nut-sacks, on their friend’s faces. With the iPhone you can lower your chicken nuggets complete with tube steak and curly fries onto the phone and snap a picture. This way no actual face to ball contact occurs with innocent parties. Nobody likes a hairy bean bag…unless of course you do and in that case, this app’s for you.
This Microsoft Update is brought to you by Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers because we’re all brainwashed Disney Zombies…………upp, hold on, gotta update my facebook status.
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